Help Wanted: Mistress of Morale

Miserable, catatonic office of business professionals seeks a Mistress of Morale to stave off the rising tide of despair threatening to sweep away its cubicles and the poor souls trapped within. The ideal candidate is an innovative, highly-motivated, borderline telepathic self-starter, able to discern the hopes, dreams, whims, and fears of our office staff with a high level of accuracy, professionalism, and agility. 

This creative, clairvoyant individual will oversee the development and implementation of complex office-wide initiatives to produce effective, large-scale transformation of our office culture and lead us into the bright new age of fun and frolicking.

Qualifications

  • 2-5 yrs. experience writing Mad Libs
  • Bachelor's degree or sufficient documentation that this requirement is irrelevant
  • Valid unicycle license
  • Excellent comedic timing
  • Demonstrable skills in extispicy and reading of Urim and Thummim

Responsibilities

The duties and responsibilities of the Mistress of Morale include (but are not limited to) the following:

  • The creation and circulation of memes at strategic intervals throughout the day
  • The baking and distribution of pastries and intricately crafted coffee beverages and rejuvenating herbal teas
  • Conducting regular, one-on-one check-ins with each staff member, making eye-contact and asking genuine, heartfelt questions about their life and interests
  • The selection, purchase, and distribution of markers and coloring books
  • Planning and overseeing the removal and ceremonial burning of all cubicles, and the implementation of an open-office plan
  • Installing and maintaining plants and artwork throughout the facility, and maybe even a modest brook-like structure channeling through the office, in which employees might rest their weary, festering feet
  • Writing and replenishing a bowl of jokes to be available for office staff upon request, especially during that post-lunch afternoon lag when the devil is about to get a foothold
  • Organizing and implementing monthly morale-boosting events such as poetry readings, book clubs, magic shows, murder mystery dinners, comedy acts, and Game of Thrones cosplay
  • The development and oversight of an employee-owned book-share/lending library

Think you might be this magical, sparkling individual full of wit, vivacity, and rainbow sprinkles? Email resume, cover letter, and minimum of three references to careers@theonion.com.

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